Home sweet home..

Work gets really busy at times. Barely get a time to breath. At times, you seriously don't have much to do. When your schedule is filled with non-urgent tasks. It's fun. I set my mind to learn about the world, rather rarely about my own home. Politics is fun - hearing all sides of the story and weighing your own opinion. Not a big fan of understanding politics, but it makes me feel good, when I read about certain bills, rights they pass in the house. People demostrating against the supreme leaders in the Iranian streets. Or even better when you can sell old cars for quite a buck, just so govt can stimulate the auto market. Don't they all make you feel good, that things are at least moving 'forward' in some places.

Fine I admit, it's a recession here..it's getting more and more difficult to gain consumer confidence. Till a month ago people were getting laid off, left, right and center. Listening to the tale of my own friends losing job wasn't such a delightful moment either. But that doesn't mean the US goverment was just sitting on their asses and doing nothing. They were and still are looking for ways to alleviate this grim situation. And it feels good that those people responsible are trying. The success may not be anywhere close, but the fight is on!

At times, the things that trigger happiness become the very reason of sadness. When you witness the functioning government in other parts of the world but your own. It makes you anything but happy. I know I have written about this a hundred times. The inability of the party members to even form a government, the unregulated policies, crime in the cities, unmanaged wastes, discouraged people. You name it, I've gone crazy writing about it all. At least if that helps me cool down. Then I give up, cause it's easy, I'm not living so close to home so it's easy - I ignore everything and just get on with my life. And after months realize, may be I should flip those pages again, the latest news, the happenings- and it doesn't surprises me; even months after intentionally staying away from the latest feeds. There's absolutely nothing new happening.

It's always the same cycle. They form a coalition goverment. because of the divide within a party or within the party-govt members, the so called government breaks down. Then comes a new guy follows the same route. A brand new set of conflicts arise.The ruling govt collapses...repeat of the same story.

Then I either write about the same thing numerous times, pour my grieviences then get back to the regular life, then ignore the news for certain period. Recheck- feel bad- get angry- ignore, check- dissapointed-get mad- ignore,and yep it has become a vicious cycle. And that reminds me, I myself is not as any good as those people who say are running the country. I have been doing this for years. and I wonder, I ponder, feel helpless, I do what I could, try to forget things for few weeks.Then again the same old routine kicks in. And it drives me nuts!

So as a citizen of a poor country- is there really nothing in the world that I could do to halt this cycle? Is being a citizen only limited to fulfilling your responsibilities and going about your regular routine. ANd nothing else? The fact that everything, every small thing in our nation needs to be rebuilt, the fact that we have to rebegin the whole process, the fact that we want a whole new set of people governing the nation. Doesn't that make us a little more responsible towards our country than average?
Because its a poverty-striken nation, because there are corrupted people in the government, because our country is on a development-halt, because we love our country, because there is no place like home, because there's nowhere in the world I would rather be, because I can't think of contributing to any other country but mine first, because there are gazillions oppurtunities in Nepal, because it's our responsibility to build the nation. Don't we have the audacity to bear a little more than the average weight on our shoulder? Is't it upto us to challenge the unfucntional government, isn't it upto you and me. I have my millions questions- and its sad cause I know-I am not getting answers any time soon.

Past, Present and Future

It surprises me how ignorant I've been of my own distinct internal transformation. And how I have pretty much adapted to the place I am at the moment living in. I realize, my views toward things have changed. I am realizing the way I am today is not the way I was yesterday or long ago. I don't know if this is simply a natural phenomenon or my own forceful effort to see things differently- just to survive.

Frankly speaking- I rarely miss home nowadays.But I do constantly worry about the everyday Nepali routine. I talk to my parents frequently and so with my brother. The conversation is usually limited to hi and how-are-you. SO after a long gap I wrote to one of my cousins. He instantly replied- wishing that I would be home this Dashain. That's when I felt a jolt of some sort. I had been gone in fact for a very long time. I don't know if I can even remember how my cousins look like anymore. The kid who was about five when I left for America..I doubt it if he would at all remember when I see him next time. I don't crave to be home, but I do wonder everyday- how tall he's grown.or I wish somebody emailed me his pictures. Or the recent wedding ceremony pictures of another cousin of mine. This time when I go home, there will be one less member in our family. I am very well aware of the happenings. But I have grown a habit of ignoring them, because it's easier to create a vaccum in my mind than to live with home-sickness.

At times I wonder, if they feel that I don't care about them anymore. The fact that a couple my cousins don't even write back- pretty much explains the story. Or may be they are just busy. Honestly, I don't think anybody knows- that how badly I want to go back home. Or is it the situation in Nepal that's stopping me. You know- I wouldn't be lieing if my answer was affirmative. Every month or so I go through a cycle- where I don't read any publications associated with Nepal..and after a few weeks I catch up on the old news. Then the vicious cycle officially kicks off-I'm saddened.I question, I look for answers. Unfortunately, also pretty easily give up.

Today, I read a very positive article in Nepali times. It captured the real life events of the journey. All the sad and way too often ciculated stories of sufferings. However, the write-up ended saying '..There was a scented freshness in the air, and the hope of a new beginning.' I could feel my heart sinking with the beginning of every new sentence. Until I reached the end- which instantly resurrected a sense of hope!

And I silently told myself- that's all I need to keep me alive. To reassure my return to the place I call home. I have my moments of doubt, moments of sickness, moments of helplessness..at the same time moments of hope. And I know thats exactly the reason folks back home are going about living their everyday life as well -despite setbacks, despite foreign influences, despite corrupted politicians. Despite old habits and despite so many things that's reluctant to change.

And as for me- I believe in today, a positive today, more beautiful today which shall eventually pave the way for all the more better tomorrow!