Past, Present and Future

It surprises me how ignorant I've been of my own distinct internal transformation. And how I have pretty much adapted to the place I am at the moment living in. I realize, my views toward things have changed. I am realizing the way I am today is not the way I was yesterday or long ago. I don't know if this is simply a natural phenomenon or my own forceful effort to see things differently- just to survive.

Frankly speaking- I rarely miss home nowadays.But I do constantly worry about the everyday Nepali routine. I talk to my parents frequently and so with my brother. The conversation is usually limited to hi and how-are-you. SO after a long gap I wrote to one of my cousins. He instantly replied- wishing that I would be home this Dashain. That's when I felt a jolt of some sort. I had been gone in fact for a very long time. I don't know if I can even remember how my cousins look like anymore. The kid who was about five when I left for America..I doubt it if he would at all remember when I see him next time. I don't crave to be home, but I do wonder everyday- how tall he's grown.or I wish somebody emailed me his pictures. Or the recent wedding ceremony pictures of another cousin of mine. This time when I go home, there will be one less member in our family. I am very well aware of the happenings. But I have grown a habit of ignoring them, because it's easier to create a vaccum in my mind than to live with home-sickness.

At times I wonder, if they feel that I don't care about them anymore. The fact that a couple my cousins don't even write back- pretty much explains the story. Or may be they are just busy. Honestly, I don't think anybody knows- that how badly I want to go back home. Or is it the situation in Nepal that's stopping me. You know- I wouldn't be lieing if my answer was affirmative. Every month or so I go through a cycle- where I don't read any publications associated with Nepal..and after a few weeks I catch up on the old news. Then the vicious cycle officially kicks off-I'm saddened.I question, I look for answers. Unfortunately, also pretty easily give up.

Today, I read a very positive article in Nepali times. It captured the real life events of the journey. All the sad and way too often ciculated stories of sufferings. However, the write-up ended saying '..There was a scented freshness in the air, and the hope of a new beginning.' I could feel my heart sinking with the beginning of every new sentence. Until I reached the end- which instantly resurrected a sense of hope!

And I silently told myself- that's all I need to keep me alive. To reassure my return to the place I call home. I have my moments of doubt, moments of sickness, moments of helplessness..at the same time moments of hope. And I know thats exactly the reason folks back home are going about living their everyday life as well -despite setbacks, despite foreign influences, despite corrupted politicians. Despite old habits and despite so many things that's reluctant to change.

And as for me- I believe in today, a positive today, more beautiful today which shall eventually pave the way for all the more better tomorrow!