Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

For some reason I don't know how to begin this. After that intense argument in the facebook (which apparently wasn't even an argument..it was just one big misunderstanding but both of us were on the same page). Plus the unnecessary nationwide anti-VP ptotest. I thought I had to write it down.

In this world I may not know what I eventually want to do in life. But there's one thing I am very much sure of. Living in Nepal and commenting -is poles apart from living in the US and voicing your opinion. I really have no grudges against those (from Kathmandu specifically) who tell me to mind my own business. I still remember that day somewhere close to DC. I was visiting my mama and maiju at Richmond. We went to this Nepali gathering,..the place was mostly full of Newars. And was quite a mix of the rest of the tribes (if I may say so). I think it was the celebration of the new year 2008. That was my very first official gathering with the NRNs (I am assuming more than 50% of them were Greencard holders if not official NRNs). So people were talking, youngsters..flirting..children playing, elders discussing politics...may be. Seeing all that, from more of a bird's eye view. I knew Exactly what I DIDn't want to be in life. I knew I didn't want to be the person holding a wineglass, standing in style, trying hard to be 'proper' and speaking about Nepali politics...above all pouring greviences about the poor condition of Nepal. I knew in my heart, I would never in my life ever want to end up like them. Oh yes they had money...they were doctors, engineers, they were everything that possibly defined or entailed the term 'rich' in Nepal. And for some reason - I was a little disgusted. and now I know why. Living in Kathmandu is a pain, its depressing...always a chakajaam, always people taking it to the streets for minute little things. I've been through that myself. And I know how it feels..and all that you want to do is run away. One of the reasons why I came to study in America, is also cause I wanted to escape from the chaotic world.
And after three years of my arrival in America. Working and studying, then graduating and now having a job. Everyday I wake up - with the feeling of going back to the country for good. Everyday my conviction takes a stronger root to return home.

America for me has been an eye-opener. It has empowered me to be who I am and celebrate my originality. During the first year in the US...I was heavily writing in different Nepali forums or blogs. It was a product of homesickness, plus the love for the country. I could detach myself from all that was happening and see things in an overall perspective. And talk about how I felt for everything taking place back home. SO initially I thought- this intense feeling of wishing to go back for good was just a temporary phenomenon. I thought it only had to do with homesickness...and another year came by. I decided to stop arguing with people in forums. Mainly because I was accused of living somewhere else in the comfort of some other govt's facilities and uncontrollably commenting spree. Hence I stopped, I analysed my circumstances. and I realised they were true. It's easy for me to be here in America..and tell people to calm down. Cause trust me, if you are in Nepal. Where nothing around you is moving in the right direction. Its hard for you to take a deep breath, calm down, and feel comfortable amidst the. Hence I stopped voicing my opinion. Then I thought okay...so it would also change my mind regarding going back home anytime soon. But it wasn't to be so. The soil was already so fertile that the plant just had to take a shape.

SO what happened in the facebook?(which ofcourse compelled me to write this- once again after a long time-I see an opinionated-me gradually waking up). well it all started with our VP swearing in Hindi. Controversy had already sparked back home. ANd I for one was sitting quiet. I was thinking more of the 'other' parts of the Nation- nowhere focusing in Kathmandu. Although, neither was I taken by surprise. Not because I necessarily support or don't support what he did. But because I knew the behavior, or the thought process of the majority of the Nepalese spread across the world. Yes, we are all hypocrites. It wasn't a big deal for me at all, but for the rest of the world sadly it was. If some VP to-be had a good intention to lead the country in a prosperous path, but unfortunately if he never grew up lets say in Kathmandu, but lets suppose spent most of his life in France. ANd can't fluently speak in Nepali, so he decides to do it in French. Does it mean he is a sinner. No, but ofcourse...he would have had certainly thought about giving hte oath in Nepali as well. If he really understood Nepal, that how sensitive the situation is in Nepal, and sadly how pathetic the people are. He wouldn't have had taken this step. He had a complete right to do it proudly in whatever language he preferred in a new Democratic Republic State of Nepal. But while doing it, he forgot to do a proper study and failed to predict the repurcussion. SO you see nobody is at fault. Nepal just happens to be a country where majority of people can't think. Regardless of what is right or what is wrong- if 10 people say there is a flie on the wall , even if there isn't. There is INDEED a flie on the wall, even if one person disagrees a 100 times. Sad- the truth in the world is defined by the majority vote. Sad - people of Nepal loves living under the illusion that Nepal is still untouched by the influences of India. Was it even worth it. It was a complete waste of time, it was utterly a useless issue that became successful in diverting the nation's attention. I hope this would be the last time I would be talking about it. oh yeah one more thing- as for our VP being a criminal or corrupt. For God's sake...who on earth isn't corrupt in Nepali politics. So who would you choose anyway..haha...guess he is innnocent until proven guilty. If the Maoist have joined the alliance, the cause of 1000s of people's death in Nepal (also ofcourse the old regime), why not the VP too. Who on earth is corrupt-free in Nepal, whether its Nepal Army ..or the former PM himself... I mean come on!! do you seriously want me to go on?

Therefore, please this is my sincere request. Have your own piece of mind - just because 1000s other think its wrong doesn't necessarily makes it wrong- don't ignore the possibility of certain issue being right. We don't just want Nepal to have the 'new' as its prefix. We want people to generate and have that new, sensible open-mindset starting from themselves. And please remember this precious words by Gautam Budhha:
Peace comes from within
Do not seek it without.
If you know what I mean ;)

What I want to be

I find it strange how people just KNOW what they want to be way before they graduate from the school itself, way before they even know how old they are, or in women's case way sooner than their very first menstrual cycle starts running. Or in men's case- way before their testosterones begin kicking. In a contrary must say I was different. To my teachers dismay I never knew what I wanted to be. What's even stranger is - I was still not sure even after my ISC if I seriously wanted to pursue Engineering. And I was still cotemplating if I really wanted to be a journalist, during my Bachelor's years. If not at all a journalist atleast a media person of some sort. Well I just wasn't sure!
But somehow I did get away with it pretty easily pretending to love what I was studying esp. in front of my parents. Because right after my ISC 2nd year. I had already confessed it to my father about my wish to 'write' and possibly be a journalist.

I never realized it back then that children tend to wish to be what they see, what they hear. They are more influenced by what they have been told than what they ultimately want to do in life. That very realization arrived ridiculously late in my life. The will to make my own decision and just be what I want to be. Believe me when I say this - I still didn't know what I wanted to be even till a semester ahead of my graduation (now that was back in 2007- in the US).

So lets rewind it back to the year 2005 Dec - So one fine day of 2005 Dec I went to the US in order to explore the world, experience the so called freedom while continuing my Bachelor's degree in Mass Communications with an emphasis on Public Relations. THIS time to MY dismay I found out - neither was PR my cup of tea. It was devastating. So what in the world that I wanted do or be I asked myself everyday - without being too positive, as I knew the answer wouldn't come so easy. So finally I was only a semester away from my official graduation day. I had a couple of design classes back then. This time to my surprise I was truly enjoying the work, I was wholeheartedly putting in effort to gain A+. Most importantly instead of forcing myself to do things-it was just easily coming to me. I loved it. At the end of the semester I even got A!!(Although that's not truely a surprise..as all my life I have been an A student) Yeah yeah!!...so finally I felt that I could not just feel but also touch my destiny. I thought of changing my major- but again that would mean about another a little more than a year long course. Now who would go through all that. Working and studying. I didn't think I could go through the ordeal. Rather decided tod o Graphic Design for my Master's level. Which I'm still waiting for.

Just a month after my graduation (August 2007) I got a job. This may not be the world's best job but is helping me to pay my bills. And thats all I need at the moment. Oh yes, one more thing- I didn't get H1B visa. I was planning to redo my Bachelor's in Graphic Design- as a part time student- well things didn't quite turn out the way I had expected. Was I devastated??..hhaha...If I don't get things done my way- I'm always shattered into pieces. SO yes, it did hurt. One way or the other- time always manage to heal the wounds though. That's what its been in my case. Moreover, its not the end of the world. So I am glad to be alive atleast.

As for that ultimate question: what do I want to be when I grow up?
I recently found out- I always knew what I wanted to be. I simply wasn't strong enough to accept the fact. Oh yes- Graphic Design is definitely a catalyst that stirs up my creative side. But besides that..theres more to what I just simply want to do. My aim for me was more than just a phrase that said - 'what-I-Wanted-To-Be'.
Neither did it quite conveniently fit into the conventional 'work area' I guess. Now come to think of it, all along I was doing exactly what I wanted.
Someday I wish to go back to college again to complete my Bachelor's in Engineering- which I never started. Hopefully that way I'll learn to impact more people at once in the rural areas of my country. As for Journalism- writing may not be my cup of tea. But I must say- somewhere, somehow I am really drawn to this profession. Which I consider it to be more than just a typical 'profession'- for me - its a religion. its the enlightner, its the bridge between you and me, its who we are, its how we portray things. Its everything. I suck big time at writing. If one day I seriously plan to improve my writings -Development Journalism is certainly one field I would like to tread on.
Meanwhile - I shall continue to pursue.
So this time I am resting my fingers hoping that if I die someday- I shall not regret that I never knew who I truely was and what I wanted to do or wanted to be.