What I want to be

I find it strange how people just KNOW what they want to be way before they graduate from the school itself, way before they even know how old they are, or in women's case way sooner than their very first menstrual cycle starts running. Or in men's case- way before their testosterones begin kicking. In a contrary must say I was different. To my teachers dismay I never knew what I wanted to be. What's even stranger is - I was still not sure even after my ISC if I seriously wanted to pursue Engineering. And I was still cotemplating if I really wanted to be a journalist, during my Bachelor's years. If not at all a journalist atleast a media person of some sort. Well I just wasn't sure!
But somehow I did get away with it pretty easily pretending to love what I was studying esp. in front of my parents. Because right after my ISC 2nd year. I had already confessed it to my father about my wish to 'write' and possibly be a journalist.

I never realized it back then that children tend to wish to be what they see, what they hear. They are more influenced by what they have been told than what they ultimately want to do in life. That very realization arrived ridiculously late in my life. The will to make my own decision and just be what I want to be. Believe me when I say this - I still didn't know what I wanted to be even till a semester ahead of my graduation (now that was back in 2007- in the US).

So lets rewind it back to the year 2005 Dec - So one fine day of 2005 Dec I went to the US in order to explore the world, experience the so called freedom while continuing my Bachelor's degree in Mass Communications with an emphasis on Public Relations. THIS time to MY dismay I found out - neither was PR my cup of tea. It was devastating. So what in the world that I wanted do or be I asked myself everyday - without being too positive, as I knew the answer wouldn't come so easy. So finally I was only a semester away from my official graduation day. I had a couple of design classes back then. This time to my surprise I was truly enjoying the work, I was wholeheartedly putting in effort to gain A+. Most importantly instead of forcing myself to do things-it was just easily coming to me. I loved it. At the end of the semester I even got A!!(Although that's not truely a surprise..as all my life I have been an A student) Yeah yeah!!...so finally I felt that I could not just feel but also touch my destiny. I thought of changing my major- but again that would mean about another a little more than a year long course. Now who would go through all that. Working and studying. I didn't think I could go through the ordeal. Rather decided tod o Graphic Design for my Master's level. Which I'm still waiting for.

Just a month after my graduation (August 2007) I got a job. This may not be the world's best job but is helping me to pay my bills. And thats all I need at the moment. Oh yes, one more thing- I didn't get H1B visa. I was planning to redo my Bachelor's in Graphic Design- as a part time student- well things didn't quite turn out the way I had expected. Was I devastated??..hhaha...If I don't get things done my way- I'm always shattered into pieces. SO yes, it did hurt. One way or the other- time always manage to heal the wounds though. That's what its been in my case. Moreover, its not the end of the world. So I am glad to be alive atleast.

As for that ultimate question: what do I want to be when I grow up?
I recently found out- I always knew what I wanted to be. I simply wasn't strong enough to accept the fact. Oh yes- Graphic Design is definitely a catalyst that stirs up my creative side. But besides that..theres more to what I just simply want to do. My aim for me was more than just a phrase that said - 'what-I-Wanted-To-Be'.
Neither did it quite conveniently fit into the conventional 'work area' I guess. Now come to think of it, all along I was doing exactly what I wanted.
Someday I wish to go back to college again to complete my Bachelor's in Engineering- which I never started. Hopefully that way I'll learn to impact more people at once in the rural areas of my country. As for Journalism- writing may not be my cup of tea. But I must say- somewhere, somehow I am really drawn to this profession. Which I consider it to be more than just a typical 'profession'- for me - its a religion. its the enlightner, its the bridge between you and me, its who we are, its how we portray things. Its everything. I suck big time at writing. If one day I seriously plan to improve my writings -Development Journalism is certainly one field I would like to tread on.
Meanwhile - I shall continue to pursue.
So this time I am resting my fingers hoping that if I die someday- I shall not regret that I never knew who I truely was and what I wanted to do or wanted to be.